D-Blog Day 3: One thing to improve…must.improve.now.

May 16, 2012By 5 Comments

It took me less than 3 seconds to decide what I would write about for this topic.  The number one issue, which some may argue is a good thing, about living with this disease is the OCD (obsessive compulsive diabetes).  I have self-analyzed and pondered as to why I am so obsessive compulsive about my diabetes and why I am such a control freak about everything in my life.  I strongly believe, and this is without any psychologist telling me this, that there is a small adult living in every child with diabetes.  When I got diagnosed at age 9, I think I knew I only had two choices:  take it head on and grow up fast, or potentially die young.  Well, at least that’s how my doctor made me feel the moment I got diagnosed.

If I could sum it up, this is what I would say to everyone that wonders why I do, say, or act the way I do sometimes.  I am always, constantly, non-stop thinking about the future.  Not just years from now, but the next hour, the next meal, the next day, the next weekend.  What do I need to eat, drink, pack, where the closest bathroom is, when I plan to exercise or be intimate.  It.is.non.stop.  If I am in a bad mood, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am ‘high’.  It may mean that my plan was foiled, my schedule was thrown off, or something has messed up the way that my diabetes was supposed to get through the day.  This has spilled over into my regular daily life and all things sans diabetes.  It makes me a very anxious person, a nervous person, and a complete control freak.

For the most part I can deal with the pressure I put on myself, but unlike non-diabetics who have an average to-do list that they run through each day, the diabetes list is never-ending and our days are never average.  It’s a wonder I don’t go insane.  Every once in a blue moon, probably twice a year, I allow myself to cave-in to the pressure and just collapse in tears.   People that love anyone with diabetes may tell you to ‘not be so hard on yourself, ‘..relax’, ….’don’t take on so much’.    You have absolutely no choice with this disease but to keep going.  However, I guess I can do a better job at deciding to go 65 mph instead of 120 mph all the time.

This is one complication of diabetes that I don’t think people talk about enough.  Diabetes is a disease you can’t see, so it is difficult to know that this is what is going on inside my head.  This is the one thing I need to continue to try to improve on.  I need to work on understanding that I don’t have control over everything.   Although, the second I say that out loud, I think that the disease has control over me and that the scoreboard changes.  It’s a sick cycle but I promise myself I will be more forgiving.

As my father would say, “Take it slow Gina, take it slow.”

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Comments (5)

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  1. Regina,
    My god you really hit the nail on the head with this blog. I sincerely agree with you especially when you say there is a little adult in every diabetic child. That’s is so me, I can remember how obsessive I have become in my own diabetes even at the young age of 12 when I began pump therapy. I think the obsession was at its peak when I was pregnant with my son.
    My desire to have control over the diabetes has always been there but mostly during my pregnancy due to my desire to have a strong healthy baby. I can remember during my pregnancy towards the end breaking down into tears a few times when having a high blood sugar with no explanation. Though this blood sugar was out of my control my emotions kicked in because all I could think of is would this high blood sugar harm my baby and how dare my diabetes affect the health of my child.

    I am happy that you wrote about this because my whole life I have always been so ahead of my peer maturity wise and this is because diabetes took my youth from me and forced me to grow up.

    I am constantly thinking about my future and how my goals and dreams will work with balancing my diabetes.

    • busybag says:

      Thanks for your thoughts Michaela!! It is amazing how connected our feelings are, as people living with this disease, and as young women just trying to stay positive and have healthy families and healthy lives!! xo

  2. Sysy says:

    I can really relate to this post. To every bit of it. There IS a small adult in every child with diabetes. I hated being patronized as as child because my god I was taking care of myself on life and death basis and I often wished people would give me recognition for that. I too am a really anxious, control freak type of person. So much so that a few months ago I was up on a medication for it. My husband says I’m a lot better now but I don’t want to stay on the medication much longer and I fear that I’ll go back to my old ways (which hurts my relationship with my husband) so I feel stuck. Sigh. Anyway, Great post, thanks for writing it.

    • busybag says:

      Hang in there!!! Thanks for your note, and try to remember that you can only control the way you react to the things around you and you can’t control it all.

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