Here I sit… feeling larger and more uncomfortable than I ever have in my life! While I am very obviously pregnant, I still am in constant awe of the fidgety little being moving in my stomach constantly (impatient and active… just like her mama), and I can’t seem to get enough of it. Along with all the challenges that a pregnant women faces in her third trimester; such as not being able to tie my own shoes, not fitting into even some maternity clothes, and counting down the days until I can drink wine again, I am faced with constant guilt. The guilt of having diabetes burn-out, ALREADY. I capitalize this word to emphasize that any strong-willed diabetic should be able to maintain perfect control for 9 months, right? Well, have you considered, that if you are like me, you have been trying to maintain perfect control for MUCH longer than 9 months? If you’re a planner, and you know you want to get pregnant, then taking charge of your diabetes happens much sooner than the actual date of conception. Therefore, yes, I have complete burn-out.
I am not overwhelming myself with guilt at this stage, I can’t. I’m just too damn tired. I see the high BG on my meter, sigh a bit, and then correct… and correct again, and then again. It doesn’t help that I’ve had a bit of the flu this week, so my already stubborn insulin resistance is on an entirely new level for god knows how long (thank you temp basal!). What makes me angry are the doctors. I love the doctors who are following my care, but what I don’t love is that LOOK. You know it, pregnant diabetic or not, we all get THE LOOK. Oh (I say in my head to the doctor), your confused why it looks like I’ve only checked my BG 3x in one day when you look at my download? Well, consider that I’ve checked it MUCH more than that but felt that the other 10 BG’s that were over 160 weren’t worth entering into my pump, and that my correction factor is null and void at this point, and that I just arbitrarily shoot in the dark and take a manual bolus. I know, I know, naughty me (slapping myself on the wrist). But at this stage, I’m just not sure what matters!
I have worked so hard to reduce the risk of having a ‘big baby’. I have kept my own weight down, and have only gained about 27 pounds so far, right on target for being of average weight prior to becoming pregnant. I have kept my A1c at 5.4 for the last 6 months, and still continue to walk at least 1-2 miles on the treadmill 3 days a week, with some prenatal work out DVDs mixed in. I try to get my high BGs down ASAP when I see them creeping in. Some how, some way, my baby is still measuring in at almost 6 pounds with 6 weeks to go in my gestation. Now, keep in mind genetics play a big role, and my husband is 6’4 and we were both 9 pound babies. So I like to think it’s not just this stinky disease that might keep me from having a regular delivery (I am just not crazy about the idea of major surgery… to each their own, and I may thank god for it when the time comes; but still, every new mom has a vision of how the birth will take place).
Then I get the LOOK, and my OB and Endo remind me that ANY high’s effect the baby. And if they’ve already happened, well then it’s just too late. Keep in mind, this is NOT the end of the world here people. And no matter how many times I try to explain these concepts to the people around me, they still seem to only hear what they want to or go off of the experiences that they are familiar with (one thing I am going to work on in 2013 is to stop trying to continually enlighten people about my disease if they continually refuse to hear anything I am actually saying).
I haven’t given up, and I won’t give up until I hear my little girl scream at the top of her lungs and I can hold her close to my chest… and hope that she doesn’t have a low blood sugar at birth (which would be a side effect if my blood sugars are high right before she is delivered). If she is a little larger than the average baby, well then that will make my husband feel a little bit more confident that he won’t break her when he tries to change her diaper. It’s just frustrating, that’s all. We do what we can. I keep reminding myself that all my hard work has paid off, I just can’t see it yet. All of my diligent control and obsessive behavior with my health and my diabetes has and will show in my healthy little baby girl whose only side effect from my entire life with this crapshoot of a disease is that she won’t be bothered with size Newborn, which she would grow out of anyways in a matter of days.
I do look forward to a few months after her birth, of allowing myself to hover in the 160′s without a second thought, and know that it’s okay to take a break, without breaking completely in half. That’s what we do with diabetes, we just have to bend a little, whether we like to or not.